Christmas never ends well

It seems like the holidays really bring out the worst in our marriage. The first time he physically hurt me was on thanksgiving ('07). That was a devastating memory, especially since he wasn't the first man to have done something like that, but because he was the first man I truly loved; we had only been dating since June 21st. I should have left then, but obviously I did not and he has not stopped abusing me or I would be writing happy thoughts.

Every year we spend x-mas eve at his folks. Every year it became more and more personal because of the time together, then '09 he proposed that Xmas, and last year I was an official family member. However, this year for my birthday (labor day weekend) the only thing I received from anyone was an extremely abusive day. Then, I had chemo the next day after the holiday, alone. I have to admit, God that crushed me. Not present, no card, and it's not even that, I didn't even get a "happy birthday" or respect in any manner. But the icing of the cake came a week or so later when I find on a credit card statement that the weekend of my birthday, while my present was torture, he gives his ex-wife (that he has lied about since I've been with him) $1500 so she could retain an attorney for a drug charge she caught the same weekend! I could not get a card, or simple respect, but she gets $1500!!

The next month is our one year wedding anniversary. Guess what I got for that? Hell, he did not even know until I texted him after left to go do what he always does. So, he did come back but that abusive day turned out worse than my birthday.

Nevertheless, tomorrow is the day we go to his fanily's house. I have it set in my mind I will not attend. I do not know if that will be allowed by him. He did make me go to thanksgiving dinner. Regardless, I have not purchased a single gift for him or one member of his family. I have stated I would not since I was devastated by his actions. I dread tomorrow.

Why get married?

We have only been married a year, an already I hate the fact that I married this person when I swore to myself I would never marry again. At this point, we have not had sex in at least 2 months. We might "peck" once a week. He leaves early and comes home late. We haven't cuddled pretty much since the marriage. Oh, don't let me forget to add the fact on our wedding night he got a hotel room, and a stranger in the condo next to us had to help untie the corset on my wedding gown.
I'm in school full-time, work 40 hours, and I'm battling health problems (consisting of chemo) alone. I can't just leave because it's not feasible. I want my husband, but I fear I married a sociopath. I know nobody is following this blog, but I just have to get this misery off my chest. I ask myself several times a day, what's the point of getting married, especially when the person makes you feel like you're nothing?

Looking for some fun

During a visit to my pain doctor today, it turns out my BP was extremely low. So much so, she wanted to place me in the hospital for tests, observation and fluids. I just wanted to go home and rest. Upon leaving, I call my husband to explain the situation and he should call to check on me just to make sure I made it safely home. This was noon. He never called. He came home at 8pm. I'm 6'1 blonde/blue, 155. I maintain my appearance. I'm an avid shopper, and receive compliments daily. I know I'm an attractive person, and none of this matters to the one person I do it all for, to get his attention. I cannot
Up and leave, and he knows it. My lifestyle is spoiled to the point I cannot do it alone, not right now. I don't necessarily want to leave. I just want to have some fun with someone who likes to have fun, too....

I hate myself for being tricked for falling in love

We argue everyday. There was always goodbye kisses in the mornings and "hugging up" with one another as we fell asleep at night. Over the course of time, I find the women of his past, still remain in the present. One, for example, goes to prison and she receives money from him each month. Another, screws over a local drug dealer for $6,000 and he takes out a personal loan for that exact amount. My birthday this year I got a lot of "fuck you's," but nothing else; and I mean nothing. Come to find out, the same $6000 whore gets busted for possession and he pays $1500 to her lawyer for my birthday, while I get all the fuck you's any person can stand. Our first anniversary was the next month- he forgot.